PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
Why Selfishness Isn’t the Solution to Success
Debunking the myth that being selfish is good for you
There’s no ‘I’ in team, but there is in ‘Covid’, right? Did you know that a hefty 39 percent of millennials reportedly agreed with being described as a selfish generation? Selfishness has long been recognised as a necessary component for success, playing into the whole ‘survival of the fittest’ narrative. And, as this year has proved to be more about surviving than thriving for most of us, you might find yourself thinking about how you can push through the stagnation, through the uneventful months ahead.
For most of us, it’s been a year of great uncertainty, during which we’ve asked ourselves if we’re happy with what we’re doing. With what we’ve achieved. With where we’re headed. If we’re even happy with who we are. The very basics and what feels like the beginning of an existential crisis. Yikes. No matter how desperate you are to get your life back ‘on track’, I want to assure you that there’s no positive correlation between selfishness and success; it’s a myth. Here’s why.
Don’t be selfish
If you Google ‘Why you should be selfish’, I can tell you that, at the time of writing this post, over 82 million results come up on the results page. In the United Kingdom, these are among some of the most-searched sentences containing the word ‘selfish’ on the Internet:
‘why being selfish is important’
‘selfish is good’
‘selfish for success’
It’s not an exhaustive list because blogging how-tos call for me to be succinct and get straight to the point. But these are perfect examples of how we have been conditioned to think that selfishness is a positive thing when it comes to success and self-progression.
I mean, can you really blame us for believing that selfishness is the way forward? We are told on loop that our twenties are the perfect time to be selfish. To have fun, go for what you want, put yourself first. And if you see the number of articles that have been published online with headlines like ‘4 Reasons Why Being Selfish is Good for You’,* this does absolutely nothing but reinforce those statements. According to this very article, ‘Oriented around survival’ … ‘it’s in our nature to take care of our own needs first.’ Well, sorry to be a stickler for proper word usage, but this, to me, sounds more like self-prioritisation.
Last year, I was told to be more selfish; I told myself I needed to be more selfish. To put my needs first. That was actually my New Year’s resolution for 2020, prior to the pandemic. Because if you want to chase your dreams and live your best life, you need to be selfish, right? Well, *spoiler alert*, it didn’t take me long to figure out that being selfish just isn’t me, and it wasn’t going to get me anywhere.
self | ish (according to Oxford Dictionaries)
– lacking consideration for other people
– being concerned chiefly with your own personal profit or pleasure
Chasing your dreams sounds like a pretty long-term commitment — at least, it is for the average person. If you think you can healthily and satisfiably reach your lifelong goal(s) by being truly selfish — i.e., as per the definitions stated above, you might just end up enjoying your success(es) alone. Or not at all.
You get back what you give; I truly believe that. In a life where I can choose the kind of person I want to be, I genuinely (through gritted teeth at openly admitting this in public) want to love and be loved, to support and be supported. I feel excited about the prospect of sharing my personal and professional journeys with the important people around me. And, naturally, when life doesn’t pan out the way I expected — or, simply put, when sh** happens, I don’t want to be sat suffering alone. Selfishness to me is synonymous with solitude and hubris. It’s just not for me.
*published by Fast Company online back in 2014
Do prioritise yourself
Now, just as a point of comparison, if you Google ‘Why you should self-prioritise’, there are far fewer results: only 31.5 million. The word just doesn’t have the same level of exposure as ‘selfishness’. I mean, Oxford Dictionaries doesn’t even recognise it as a word. I get where the confusion in differentiating between the two comes from, I really do.
The best example I can think of is exactly the argument I mentioned above. When you’re in your twenties, you’re told you can be as selfish as you want. When you’re single, you can be as selfish as you want. Because you’re only responsible for yourself; you only have to prioritise yourself. What’s more, you have all that energy to spend on yourself. This argument particularly resonated with me when I came out of my last long-term relationship. But this liberating sensation wasn’t anything to do with being able to suddenly become selfish. I didn’t just stop being a considerate person. I was simply finally able to prioritise my wants, my needs, my hobbies, my friends, my family. I was relearning about self-prioritisation and doing my own thing on my own terms.
I’m not saying you should become a non-team-player who says ‘no’ to things you don’t fancy doing. There will be times in life when you should say ‘yes’ to things you don’t want to do. The trick is knowing when to really say ‘no’, or when to at least prioritise yourself. For example, this year, I’ve started responding less to messages received on social media because a) I think I am happier when I limit the time I spend on those platforms b) I want to respond to that person with my full attention after I’ve given myself the attention I need.
So, yes, even if you are doing a lot of things for yourSELF, that doesn’t mean you’re being SELFish. Don’t get caught out when you say you’re learning about yourself, putting yourself first, doing what makes you happy. This is what SELF-prioritisation is. Same prefix, totally different vibe.
Do well by doing you
So, don’t confuse selfishness with self-prioritisation:
- Selfishness means checking only if your mask is fitted, without acknowledging or caring about those around you. Self-prioritisation, on the other hand, entails ensuring your mask is correctly fitted before you help others.
- You can be in fully functional, considerate relationships and friendships and also be fully focused on your energy, your dreams, your ambitions. So, there’s no need to be selfish.
So, let’s steer the narrative towards self-prioritisation instead of selfishness. We will do better and live better for it. Don’t wait for Oxford Dictionaries to acknowledge this word; adopt it into your vocabulary right this second.
PS … besides, karma would be another incentive to not be selfish #justsaying.
Liked this topic? I’m slowly but surely building up a portfolio of my lightbulb moments to share with you, so stay posted. Let me know what you think about my article — send me a message via Medium or LinkedIn.
